"If your presence does not go with us..."

Whew. What a ride. The last 6 months have been a roller coaster of a time. Who knew that when I said yes to the Lord in obedience and packed it all up to move to the Dominican Republic for two years that I would be packing it all back up six months later to move back home. I sure didn’t. While so many people are thrilled that I am coming home, my heart has been broken by this change. I know that many will not understand, but I want to do my best to give you a glimpse into what the Lord has been teaching me through this process, really a glimpse into my heart.

In the last year, I have lived in three distinctly different countries. One year ago, I was living in Manila, Philippines doing my student teaching. This is where the Lord began to break all things down in my life. He opened my eyes to poverty- like you have never seen before. He started to break down walls of materialism, selfishness and pride. The Lord began a huge overhaul of my life and I am not sure that I was prepared for the outcome. I flew back from the Philippines a different person, who was not ready to be immersed into American culture again. I was not aware the change that began there was not over. I spent the next five months living in States, feeling like a stranger in my own town. This is where the Lord began to grow in me- very subtly- a love for youth and real discipleship. I saw a huge need for a heart change in my own community. I just began to pray and pray for those in my church and in my town, knowing that I was leaving shortly for the DR.

In October, I moved to the Dominican Republic to teach Special Education at Santiago Christian School. It was obvious that the Lord had called me back to an international school and to a foreign culture. In obedience I pack everything up, sold my car and moved, not knowing what the next 6 months would hold. I was back in my element. I loved learning a new language and facing the daily challenges of living in another country. Not to mention, I was doing what I always dreamed of doing- teaching special education at an international school. I was living “my dream.” When I first got sick back in November, I was not aware that it would last for four months. After my third time having bronchitis and much prayer, I decided that it was best if I moved home in June; however, when I got bronchitis and a bad virus for the fourth time, was hospitalized and put on bed rest for two weeks, I decided it was best to come home as soon as I could breath good enough to fly. To many this decision seemed like an easy one, but to me this has been one of the hardest decisions of my life.

How many people at 22 are living “their dream?” I thought I was. Over the last month, the Lord has been teaching me so much. Making the decision to come home now was one of the hardest, most humbling decisions that I have ever had to make. So many thoughts have been swirling in my head- defeat, failure, and a sense of lost-ness and uncertainty. For so many nights I would lay in my bed fighting for joy.

“…For such a time as this.”

Esther 4:14c

I prayed and prayed that the devil would not steal my joy. The Lord is not the author of confusion. He does not try to make things hazy; we allow the devil to put these false thoughts in our heads. The Lord sent so many people into my life to speak truth and encouragement. I was reminded through his precious Word of the care and direction of the Lord in my life. As I was reading through 1 Samuel, the Lord spoke to me through a verse in chapter 15: “Behold, to obey is better than sacrifice.” (Verse 22) Many times in my life I have equated serving the Lord with sacrifice (which in many cases is what serving the Lord requires); however, obedience to the Lord is better than any sacrifice. I knew that the Lord was calling me back to the United States, whether I was living my dream or not. What I wanted for my life- what I thought was a “sacrifice”- was not what the Lord had for me.

“The LORD God is a sun and shield; The LORD gives grace and glory; No good thing does He withhold from those who walk uprightly.”

Psalm 84:11

If it were best for me to be here and to do what I am doing, the Lord would not withhold it from me. God is good. He can’t help but be good because that is His nature. Finally the walls of hurt from having to leave and the disappointment of “giving” up what I always wanted to be obedient to the Lord’s plan for my life were crumbling.

“I would have despaired unless I had believed that I would see the goodness of the LORD In the land of the living. Wait for the LORD; Be strong and let your heart take courage; Yes, wait for the LORD.”

Psalm 27:13-14

I am confident that the Lord called me to the Dominican Republic for these past 6 months even if I don’t understand why I have to leave. I know that the Lord does not promise to give grace to my imagination. He only promises to give us grace in the moment. So, even though I have no idea what the next season of my life holds, but I know that I want to tell as many people as I can about the way that Jesus has rocked my world. I know that He will give me grace to make the transition back to the States. I know that I want to take time to invest in those around me and to disciple those that the Lord allows me to. I want to live in such a way that draws people to the Jesus, because lets be honest. This is not about me. This is all about bring glory to God. That's what life is all about.

And Mary said, "Behold, the bond slave of the Lord; may it be done to me according to your word." And the angel departed from her.

Luke 1:38

Thank you so much for your prayers during this transition in my life. It will definitely be difficult and challenging; however, I have full confidence that the Lord’s hand is on here as I have prayed this verse over and over.

Then he said to Him, "If Your presence does not go with us,

do not lead us up from here.”

Exodus 33:15

- Madison Clair